Confusion leads to blissful halftime performance

(Reuters)

As soon as I saw 300 men covered (barely) in armor, I was sold on Super Bowl XLVI’s halftime show.  Somehow things proceeded to get infinitely weirder from that point forward.  It was the strangest half-time show I’ve ever seen, dwarfing the infamous wardrobe malfunction, and I loved every second of it.  The only Madonna songs I know are Like a Prayer and Like a Virgin, but this small fact was simultaneously completely irrelevant and relevant.  It was irrelevant because despite not knowing any of her songs, I thoroughly enjoyed whatever the hell was going on.  However, it’s also totally relevant because I’m guessing most football fans (granted a lot of people watching the halftime show aren’t football fans) aren’t that into Madonna either.

After being carried in a la Cleopatra, Madonna started off by singing some song that goes “don’t just stand there” over and over.  I don’t know how famous of a song this is, but I thought that song alone was goofy.  Some guy pretending to play a fake lyre danced and flipped around Madonna as she sang what was either the same song or a different song.  This was when the Vogue commercial began.  I have no idea if Madonna or any of her songs have any connection to Vogue, I don’t even really know what Vogue is (a magazine?), but the more promotions coming at me, the better.

Now we come to the main act, the four dudes in white tracksuits and the Will Ferrell look-alike jumping up and down on a string.  The dancers, or something similar, were somewhat expected and certainly lived up to their expectations.  But I don’t think anyone was expecting Mr. Red Hair Afro Man to make an appearance.  He was pretty cool and impressive, but in line with the rest of the show the shock value made him way cooler and more impressive.

LMFAO did something.  I temporarily stopped watching.

Madonna was quickly onto her next theme, which appeared to be high school.  Side note: Madonna is 53.  I was willing to let the age discrepancy pass when I saw Nicki Minaj and M.I.A.  I love me some Nicki, and M.I.A. further cemented her spot as most swagged out person ever with her bird flip.  Unfortunately for them, Vince Wilfork Cee-Lo Green leading a marching band onto stage trumped everything.  Everything.  Except moments later when Cee-Lo appeared as some sort of alien king to accompany Madonna on her girl anthem Like a Prayer.  Cee-Lo and Madonna jammed out for a little while longer as Cee-Lo desperately tried to fix his little dress thing so as not to reveal whatever was underneath.  And then, in an instantaneous puff of air, Madonna was gone.  And just like that the greatest super bowl halftime show we will ever witness was gone, never to be seen again.