The Whore of Akron

In his book The Whore of Akron, released this past summer, Scott Raab goes to great lengths to tell the story of Lebron James knifing the city of Cleveland in favor of a more luxurious lifestyle and basketball team.  Although I, and probably most people, see "The Whore of Akron" as a harsh nickname for Lebron James, the cities of Cleveland and Akron, and certainly Scott Raab, do not.  Raab is convincing though, and as the book progresses, Lebron James seems less majestic and more whorish.  It is hard not to appreciate this guy’s pure hatred for someone he doesn’t really know.

Scott Raab grew up in Cleveland and relies on Cleveland sports teams to maintain any semblance of mental stability, and he makes sure to get the point across that he loathes Lebron.  He wishes career ending injuries upon Lebron, shaves “quitness” into his hair, and uses every imaginable four letter word to describe James.  He hates Lebron because Lebron preached loyalty and then abandoned his hometown and his people, he hates Lebron because Lebron is great, and most of all he hates Lebron because Lebron never brought the city of Cleveland a championship.

Along with cruelly dismembering James, Raab streams a steady line of crude anecdotes.  This approach, while full of laughs, can grow tiresome.  I could have done without a description of the penis belonging to King James, who apparently is no Greg Oden.  Raab also has an obsession with handjobs rivaled only by greasy 14-year-old boys.  He titles one chapter, “The Handshake and the Handjob” and repeatedly talks about his wife comforting him.  But this crudeness comes off as very real, in part because Raab opens us to other lonesome doors of his life.  He goes in depth to describe tumultuous relationships, suicidal thoughts, and touching moments with his son.  These parts of the book complement Raab’s vulgar tongue well.  And for better or worse, this is Scott Raab.  He is vulgar, he is a recovering addict, he is an asshole, and he is Cleveland.

Besides skewering Lebron and talking about his sex life, and sometimes lack thereof, Raab keeps coming back to the agony of being a Cleveland sports fan: The Drive, The Fumble, The Shot and The Decision.  In his eyes, all of these moments define the city and have defined his life.  And this is why Scott Raab connects so well; every fan can embrace one another in their arms after an excruciating loss.  Cleveland. Buffalo. Minneapolis. Seattle. Milwaukee. Washington.  Even Boston tasted the liquids of defeat.  The Whore of Akron is enjoyable because it isn’t about Lebron, Cleveland, or Raab himself; it is about the torture of being shackled to a losing sports team.

All images courtesy of esquire.com

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